Lies & Love

the writing in the BJ's bathroom really pissed me off, god damn it. There is this excellent drawing of a slightly cartoonish girl smoking a cigarette over the toilet.

Then some self absorbed "feminist" scrawled all over it about how its pro anorexic and promoting a bad self image for women. This pisses me off so much.

So, to whoever this girl might be,
Listen. It's great if you're fat. I never harass anyone for being fat, or criticize their art. In fact, I've often found myself in admiration of it.

But some girls are thin. An unrealistic body standard for women would be saying that any girl who's skinny or has an appreciation for a HEALTHY SKINNY BODY (that picture was NOT of an anorexic girl, thanks) can't be a feminist or is somehow letting her fellow women down.

That's garbage. I like to keep somewhat thin because it makes me feel good. I also like to shave my legs, I like to do my hair, I like to wear make up. But you know what? I vote too. and I study a predominantly male field with every intention of making a difference. I support planned parenthood and support fair trade to help the lives of women in third world countries. And through these actions I'm more of a feminist than anyone who feels like their duty to their gender is to have a gutt and drunkenly scrawl on walls about how being skinny is a negative thing.

Skinny girls are absolutely beautiful. and drawings of skinny girls are beautiful too. Just because I have a rib cage fetish does not make me a bad person or a bad female. Whoever wrote that on the wall is a fucking idiot, I guess is all I'm trying to say. Accept every body type, not just your own.

Add: littlevittles

now I shall officially kill this journal.
( goodbye )

1. I feel like what I write in here is always very detailed passionate entries about whats in the back of my mind, and I never address what's really going on. But I guess thats what this is for anyway, right? The things I'm experiencing, allowed to express, able to feel, I do. Its everything else that needs to be put down into this modern form of pen and paper.

2. I need to get in touch with Lagrasso because I've been skipping my meetings, and I don't want to dissapoint Renee. I need my heart to be lighter but at the same time, I'm afraid to lighten it to them right now. I'm afraid of life again, scared by possibilites of rejection or interaction, exhaused by the idea of possibility.

3.But at the same time things are good. I am around people that make me smile whenever I can be. I feel pretty again, and appriciated, and special.

4.I am trying very hard not to be bitter, but its very difficult. I'm going to try very hard to be civil, but its going to be very difficult.

5. I want to share the songs I'm listening to right now with brandon but his computer is broken :(.

6. Mis! my friend Robyn also likes justice league. I thought you'd be thrilled to know.

I have beliefs, and I study them. and I worry for you.

I am proud to be a history major, reading articles that have collected dust because no one cared, books that are inaccurate with the capacity to recognize that. I have beliefs, and I hold true to them. I know who I am and I will never and could never change that for anyone. My sense of humor, comfort, style, has been the same and continues to be. No matter where I end up in life I know these things will be the same. And I think, what do you believe in? You believed in what I believed in. You were proud of the fair trade items I bought you and agreed with the politics I agreed with. you supported me in indirect ways, sitting quietly at pride meetings and holding me when I cried because the evangelicals hate me. And now you believe in what she believes in. and that's all I see, you being adaptable. You will move and become exactly like the kids surrounding you. Maybe you'll study more, and I hope you do. But most of all I hope you find yourself. Your clothes are changing, your manorisms are changing, your personality is changing. Is it going where you want it to? are you who you want to be? don't be so submissive and so content to be a toy. don't let go of the things you want to do. Don't fall into a pattern with your life and your music and your desires. Don't coast because its easy. Don't settle for a relationship where you are under appriciated like I did. Don't assume you're happy because you're smiling and laughing, you're probably just stoned.

So, what do you believe in?

I think to myself, "you could do so much better". and I know its true. but you don't want to do better, you'd rather play it safe and have to stand alone with her because no one else there likes her except you.

I am going to be hungover tomorrow.

OMG I WANTS MY INTERNETZ0R. The campus computers are flirting with some kind of internet succubus at the moment, who only lets random sites and the Fredonia server be accessed. I've checked my email enough already! I just want to see cute overload! Check my local newspaper! and yes get back on aim....but cmon, who doesn't?


Last night was a interesting case where I was actually spontanious and ended up stoned as shit eating peanutbutter and jelly toast with Robyn and two boys who I don't really know that well. I guess I can thank BJ's for scaring me badly enough where I bolted. Surprised to see me back at BJ's I suppose, the "how are you doing?" questions starting flying. I was in a weird mood already since this would have been a year. Oh well. Unable to cope with people who actually knew me I fled the scene and ended up in a tiny apartment near the M&T Bank, doing my best to completely envelope myself in a big blue easy chair and just observe.


I didn't see much, really.
I'm in a shitty mood again today. Tired with work piling up and "how am I not myself?" in the back of my mind.

I'm feeling melancholy and I just want to sleep it off
In my head I think:
you coward.
In my head I think:
you deserve her,
you're equally insensitive and cruel
In my head I think:
I can't wait until he leaves
In my head I think:
I wish he realized what he's losing
In my head I thnk:
FUCK
In my head I think:
what a loser, clinging to whats familiar
In my head I think:
he's not even that great a boyfriend
In my head I think:
he's not even that good on drums
In my head I think:
I'm not that bad
In my head I think:
FUCK SHIT FUCK

In my heart I think:
can this really be over?
In my heart I think:
why do they never choose me?

http://static-paused.livejournal.com/50694.html?mode=reply

I like to read this and remember.
I hope he remembers too.


My birthday is coming up soon again,
so I think about him.

we drink the air: today kind of sucked
we drink the air: I mean, it was okay. but tonight is a drag
we drink the air: he is so happy and he looks great
we drink the air: and I feel so damaged and ugly all the time
we drink the air: I guess I just want to see some kind of sign that his life is different without me
we drink the air: that he misses me maybe one second each day the way I miss him with all of me sometimes, when I see sharks or when I smell cinnamin
we drink the air: and I know I don't miss him all the time anymore its just I have moments like this where I'm so sad
we drink the air: and he's never sad, he's in love
we drink the air: with susan
we drink the air: It makes me feel invisible
we drink the air: or dead

Nick Brandon Emmy Me
Two bowls on the thruway, followed by
Page France and Anathallo, (oh god) followed by
another bowl and the Page France CD on full blast, followed by
GSP and the two of us watching Evangelical infomercials.
best show ever.

There are so many things happening at once! but its going to be wonderful.
Emmy and I have an appointment to look at an apartment on cleveland on friday,
and are going to see Anathallo with Brandon and Nick tomorrow

I feel a little sick in my stomach when I read about him,
so I deleted him from my livejournal.

but otherwise things are great,
I have the best friends in the world
and I couldn't ask for more.


See also:

Mis - I'm sorry I never got back to you on swimming, this whole finals coming up thing is kicking my ass right now. but I really want to set up some sort of swimming/justice league ritual next semester if you'd be down?

Persuing friendships with people who intrigue me
stealing kisses from a beautiful girl whose smile fucking kills me
going to shows even though I'm not performing
(and dancing with the fevor I would sing if I could)
snow falling on my nose
and yelling carol of the bells completely sober
getting hugs and giving giggles
learning to truly appriciate Emmy
and Donald
and my family
and knowing how great it is to be appriciated
making music with new people
a warm room that smells like apples
a warm bed with two comforters
losing weight and drinking more caffiene
not taking advice

Things are going well

It wasn't my fault.
It isn't my fault.
It wasn't me.


Mistake Mistake Mistake Mistake is a fantastic album but its not helping my state of mind much.

I am thankful to know so many wonderful freshman this year
it gives me hope that after cushing collapses something new and wonderful will take its place, and I can actually be at the center of it instead of joining in for the last big party.

I like your taste in movies, and your taste in music
I like how every time you play guitar you do so like its been forever and you've missed it terribly
I like the way you light my cigarettes,
even though you don't smoke
and even though you tell me its a terrible habit (and smile at me anyway)
I like that you tag and the designs you draw,
That you study history too and I miss your mohawk
I like the way you pick on me,
and how much you hesitate before you kiss me, like you're afraid it'll scare me away.

sometimes I'm afraid it will scare me away too.


I could see myself falling in love with you.
so what am I so afraid of?

The next generation of me

I feel like I belong here, with the collapsing silos and the houses stained and tarnished by poverty and failure. I should just go out to pasture and stick my head in the sand in the middle of a hayfield or in the center of a cattle herd and say I belong here, with the waste products who don't get through and the drop outs and the mothers with toddlers by the time they are my age. I belong here, with people who couldn't try hard enough or weren't good enough because I'm not good enough and unhappy and self destructive and no better than the people I was running from. The best thing anybody ever did for me was punch me in the face, stomach, side, all over. destroy me because I'm already destroyed and I want it to show I wish words could blister purple and maybe thats why we do it when we slit our arms is so the words can show and bleed out like they should because they hurt just as badly.

BC is back with Susan. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I am nothing. I am less than nothing.

Part One: what IS happening

-I'm in Unadilla, my first day here and I got delayed by cows crossing the road.
Thanks for reminding me, town.
-I saw the new James Bond movie today, it was okay
-I finally had a scale to weight myself by and have lost 9 pounds total since halloween. I will gain alot back as I can't smoke here, but will attempt to lose more in a healthier way.
-Bc Mostyn changed his facebook status to "in a relationship" and I don't know how to grasp this, or what it means, but I felt pretty insignificant and took a couple pills and feel okay

Part Two: What WILL happen
-I have to go to the dentist tomorrow
-I'll be calling David tomorrow since he has the day off and we'll catch up, which will be nice
-Andrew and I are going to get coffee
-Thursday 13 family members and myself will eat turkey
-Kashmir and I will be seeing Happy Feet sometime soon

Part Three: What I WISH would happen
-stability
-security
-self worth
-girl

Random fact: apparently left handed people are more likely to have mental disorders than right handed people. Hi, I have social anxiety disorder, but its logical because I'm left handed.

So, here's how it works:
1. Open itunes
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...


Opening Credits:
The Postal Service - sleeping in

Waking Up:
The Magnetic Fields - parades go by


First Day At School:
The Pixies - Monkeys gone to heaven (live)

Falling In Love:
Tool - ions

Fight Song:
A Silver Mt. Zion - sit in the middle of three galloping dogs

Breaking Up:
Track 7 from Joshua's winter mix CD


Prom:
Why? - act five

Life:
Blood Brothers - Guitarmy

Mental Breakdown:
Modest Mouse - The ocean breathes salty

Driving:
Siouxie and the Banshees - Jeepers Creepers

Flashback:
The Streets - Same old thing


Wedding:
Slade Lellock - snow

Birth of Child:
Dane Cook - Dream house

Final Battle:
Cursive - opening the hymnal/babies

Death Scene:
Mopery in the No-Tell Motel - not as cute as long distance (new song, not developed yet. Just Colin's riffs)

Funeral Song:
Tomorrow is Forever - Everything we Need. (Christ.)

End Credit:
Placebo - Song to say goodbye

Dave is giving me a ride home friday. what a pal.

nightmares again where I'm at your house and I'm talking to you and you say things I don't like, nightmares again where you exist and I have to acknowledge that, nightmares again and I wake up, can't breathe, throw up nothing and tears and I think I'll stop eating for a couple days again just because I'm afraid the knot in my stomach will suffocate me otherwise.